The Five People Everyone Has On Facebook

Photo via Elephant Journal

Deirdre Fidge is a Melbourne-based comedy writer, social worker and cheese enthusiast

figgled

Approx 2 minute reading time

Love it or loathe it, Facebook has us hooked up to its mainframe helplessly like a premature infant, sucking desperately at its teat of bad content. Despite age, gender or cultural differences, there are certain types of people that everyone seems to encounter on social media.

We’ve compiled some of the classics for you in this list that is sure to be hilarious and relatable!

1. Distant Relative Who Posts On Everything

Every single post there’s a quick ‘LOL’ from auntie Linda. Every photo results in a ‘who’s that?’ from Linda. Frustratingly, Linda is that typical auntie who doesn’t understand boundaries on social media and has been dead for 17 years. Facebook didn’t exist when she was around and now that she is trapped in the afterlife thanks to the internet’s all-consuming power, she will follow your movements with unnecessary caps lock. “NICE HAT I USED TO HAVE ONE LIKE IT LOL I THINK I WAS BURIED IN IT ACTUALLY LMAO”

2. The Vague-Booking Yak

We all know this one – constantly posting vague yet emotional status updates, and they’re always about yak-related activities. “Ugh I am SO OVER DRAMA – turns out you can’t trust anyone” their cloven hooves type at least twice a day. “You never know how much you love something……….. until it’s gone” – a status pops up at 3.30am. What are they talking about? A lover? A job? A nice shrub of grass they found for dinner?

Maybe we’ll never know.

3. Amphitrite, Queen of Humblebrag

OK we get it, you’re a Greek goddess married to Poseidon. Way to humblebrag. Every weekend there’s a new album full of photos from their latest party, casually showing off their new waterproof barbecue and trident collection. Oh, and you don’t need to be constantly ‘checking in’ to THE SEA, we understand that you rule the entire ocean.

4. The Couple Who Really, Really, Really Love Each Other

I’m not sure who told this loved-up pair that expressing fondness for one another is acceptable because it’s just not. Love is not to be celebrated at all and should be hidden behind closed doors with your other secrets, like where all the ice cream disappeared to that summer and no I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, love is a myth created by Kellogg’s to sell hats and we should never express this on social media or in any way at all.

5. Josh

Shut up, Josh.

Take some action

How to suck at Facebook

  learn all the ways