Donald Trump’s Plan To Make America The Lamest Place On Earth

Osman Faruqi is a Sydney-based writer, political campaigner and hip-hop nerd.

Approx 4 minute reading time

As the frontrunner in the race to become the Republican Party’s Presidential candidate, Donald Trump has attracted his fair share of controversy for some of his more outlandish policy ideas. He wants to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. He believes climate change is a hoax invented by “the Chinese”. But now he has dropped his wackiest and most divisive policy idea yet – banning all Muslims from entering the United States.

On the 74th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour, Trump has called for a “total and complete shutdown” of Muslim migration – whether it be for tourism, work, studying, or even citizens returning home from holidays.

As crazy as the idea sounds, Trump is actually leading the race to become the Republican Party’s Presidential candidate ahead of the elections next year. So if he did win, how exactly would his plan work and what kind of people would be refused entry?

Trump’s campaign team has clarified the criteria they would use to determine whether someone is Muslim before deciding whether to let them in. Firstly they would… ask them. What if they, you know, lie? Well luckily they have a backup plan! They’ll use people’s names to somehow ascertain their religion.

There’s obviously massive, massive flaws with this approach (Muslim guy with a boring white person name like John Benjamin? Come on in! Christian called Abdul Hamad? See ya later), so why not point out how dumb this plan is by highlighting some of the people it’s likely to reject?

1. Zayn Malik

Formerly of One Direction, Zayn is undeniably one of the biggest and most loved pop stars around. The 22-year-old was raised as a Muslim in the United Kingdom but is currently recording his debut album in Los Angeles. By all accounts, it’s predicted to be a banger and is likely to propel the musician into Justin Bieber levels of fame. By booting him out of the country, Trump is not only starting a war with millions of pop-loving Americans, he’s also turning down the tax revenue likely to be attached to Zayn’s album sales.

Stay real, even when the fascists come for you, never give up on who you are

Stay real, even when the fascists come for you, never give up on who you are

2. Aziz Ansari

Ansari isn’t religious but was raised a Muslim by his Indian Tamil parents. Between that and his name, he is well and truly cooked under any future Trump regime. But isn’t he a U.S. citizen, you ask? Won’t he be ok? No, he won’t! Remember at the end of Season 1 of Master of None [spoiler alert] when he flies to Italy to eat delicious pasta? If Trump somehow becomes President while Aziz is still overseas he won’t be able to get back into the country. That means no Season 2! You’ve gone too far, Trump.

Aziz enjoying a beverage before impending doom sets in

Aziz enjoying a beverage before impending doom sets in

3. Anousheh Ansari

No relation to Aziz, Anousheh is an Iranian-American engineer and astronaut and in 2006 was the first Muslim in space. Imagine chilling in space and finding out that the new U.S. President has banned all Muslims from entering the country. What does that mean for Anousheh? Is she stuck in space forever? Trump will end up bankrupting the U.S. by keeping Anousheh in space forever instead of letting her land safely on Earth. Crazy stuff.

4. Akon

Not only is Akon a Muslim and a successful musician with hits like “Lonely”, “Don’t Matter” and “Smack That”, he’s also a renewable energy guru who has equipped 14 African countries with solar powered lighting. He’s keen to spend the money he’s made by selling dope records on transitioning the world to a clean energy future and lifting millions out of poverty. But because he’s Muslim and his full name is Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Bongo Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam, Trump will probably never let him into the country again.

5. Amal Clooney

Incredibly successful British-Lebanese human rights lawyer Amal probably best exemplifies the insanity of any policy designed to lockout Muslims the best. Her mum is a Lebanese Sunni Muslim though she’s never talked publicly about her religion. Her full name prior to marriage was Amal Alamuddin, which she changed to Amal Clooney after marrying George. Is she going to get let in? Has she updated her passport? Is Donald seriously going to risk George Clooney packing up and leaving the U.S. if he refuses to let his wife in? Probably, George is fiercely loyal and he’s waited too long for true love. THE POLICY DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

What would George even do?

This affects you too, George.

Sadly, there may be some Americans tempted to support this kind of initiative. People are scared after recent terrorist attacks. But a blanket ban on all Muslim immigration makes as much sense as exiling all white people as a response to America’s massive gun crime crisis.

This short list shows how much lamer America would be if just five prominent Muslims were prohibited from entering the country. Imagine if hundreds of thousands were banned. Doctors, teachers, engineers, students, artists, actors, musicians, mums, dads, brothers and sisters, all turned away because of their religion, or even just their name. It’s a policy that will hopefully be rejected by other political leaders and by most ordinary citizens.

After all, we really need Zayn to finish that album and we really, really need Season 2 of Master of None.

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Watch Master Of None to understand Osman's references to Aziz Ansari's new show and support diversity in television while we're still allowed to have it

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